Thursday, April 25, 2013

"You're putting WHAT, WHERE?" Also, another CureTalk panel today.

Hello folks.

Those easily offended may want to skip this one.  With that in mind, the non-offensive part is that I'm participating in another CureTalk panel today with some familiar panelists and Dr. Orlowski from MD Anderson.  We have some good questions teed up.  The one I am most interested in asking relates to the IMF's Black Swan initiative and whether this is tantamount to an admission on the part of the IMF that some people are being cured of Myeloma today.

Okay, crossing the rubicon into PG-13 territory.  What can I say, if I can't laugh about this stuff, I'd cry so I choose laughter.

While the "what the hell is happening to me" stage of dysentery was cured by the Vegas trip, the low-grade "am I ever going to have a solid bowel movement again" stage continues unabated.  When I expressed to the GI specialist, Dr. LJ, that I simply had to get things under control for the Vegas trip, he doubled me up on Immodium and gave me a powder -- cholesterium -- which supposedly helps and also plays some role in cholesterol reduction (which is a good thing for me as I have high cholesterol).  The physician's assistant JA in Arkansas suggested I try this, but when I brought it up to my primary care physician Dr. PZ, he said it was an ineffective way of reducing cholesterol and I should go back on the Lipitor -- the prescription to which indirectly led to my diagnosis more than four years ago.  So I may return to that drug -- I've been giving my liver a respite but the cholesterol has crept back up into the 230 range, mostly because of high triglycerides, so I'll need to restart the Lipitor soon.

Anyhow, when I saw Dr. LJ he prescribed the cholesterium and I'm not sure whether it was that or the doubling up of Immodium but they helped somewhat.  I eased off them, and the diarrhea returned (though not as horrifically as it was pre-Vegas).  So there is still a problem.

To determine exactly what the problem is....requires an upper and lower endoscopy.  I swallow one camera, and the other one goes in another entrance.   Hence the title of this post.  Fortunately, I'm going to be unconscious for this.  As long as they don't leave anything behind and I'm unaware, I'll be fine.  I have heard from someone, however, that the recovery room consists primarily of older men groaning about being bloated followed by deafening flatulence.  I hope that I will quickly recover from the effects of the anaesthesia so that my time in said recovery room will be limited.  Sounds like a real slice of Heaven.

But it is not this, dear readers, that has me concerned.  It is the next 24 hours.   Even though there can't be much in my intestines to being with, I've gotta go through an industrial strength car wash.

That means (1) I am not allowed to eat anything for the next 24 hours, and can drink only coffee, tea and clear liquids; and (2) I am expected to ingest AN ENTIRE CANNISTER OF THIS STUFF OVER A TWO HOUR PERIOD VIA 8 OZ. GLASSES OF LIQUID EVERY 20 MINUTES.

Note the fine print there: 14 doses.  I have to have FOURTEEN DOSES in a two hour period.   By the way, this photo doesn't do justice to the size of the jar -- it's about six inches tall.

Dr. LJ's printed instructions inform me that the forced ingestion of this much in rapid fashion will be followed by at a minimum two to three hours (or more) of crippling nausea and diarrhea.

I am reminded -- as anybody under 50 reading this surely will be -- of the following.

Once again, the bottle I am taking is larger than the one Jim Carrey dispenses in this clip.

For men UNDER 50 (the same ones laughing at the clip, most likely) -- ask not for whom the bell tolls.  You'll all need to get this done soon enough.  I'm just getting mine out of the way a few years early.

And with that...I'm off to starve myself.  


  1. Perhaps the reason there are no other comments is because everyone else is laughing, curled up on the floor... purely diabolical, Nick! Hope everything comes out OK for you... seriously!

  2. Nick,
    Very funny stuff for sure! But don't knock MiraLAX. The stuff dissolves in most any liquid and unless you are drinking pure water, you won't even know it is there. I have named it my 'gogo' juice as it keeps everything in motion and is a lot easier to swallow each morning than a handful of prunes, etc. Now, you win the contest for sure to have to somehow take the entire bottle in 2 hours...I do not envy you there.....but it will be better than the large bottle of 'lemon' flavored antifreeze that I had to take for my colonoscopy!
    Best of luck!