A lousy day

Today's been rough. I've been reading a few other blogs from people that have gone through what I'm about to go through and they are universally pretty depressing. I gather from some of these that perhaps I'm stronger than I know because these other patients seem overwhelmed, unable to have done their research, perhaps not getting the same quality care, etc. But it's still disheartening.

Between these blogs and my conversation with Kathy, I'm concerned that life as I know it is over, even if I'm able to beat the cancer. I'll be sick all the time because my immune system will never again work. I'll have terrible side effects from the dexamethazone that may impact my job performance, the way I treat my family, etc. Food will lose its taste. These are all the "quality of life" issues that anti-SCT advocates mention. And yet I do believe that without an SCT, my life will be over in the next few years.

I try to be strong. But all I can think of is that I don't deserve to have to go through this.